The Beginning of Todd's Distance

When Todd came home from college at the end of his freshman year, he gradually relocated from his bedroom to the basement.  In the basement, he developed his own little den with his TV, stereo, guitars and amplifiers.  He was working long hours in construction and would generally have breakfast, lunch and dinner away from home.  He was up early every morning, never late for work and never missed a day of work.  In fact, he frequently worked seven days a week.  

In September when he went back to school, I was in the process of cleaning the basement when I tripped over a garbage bag that was lying on the floor.  The bag was about half full of empty pint liquor bottles.  I saved the bag for my husband to take a look at when he came home from work.  I was very alarmed but my husband discounted my concerns.  My husband had lived with a group of guys in college and they spent much of their weekend time drinking and partying.  He felt Todd was no different and the bag of "empties" was a minor issue considering he hadn't tried to hide the evidence (his words).  Besides, the bag constituted an entire summer's worth of drinking.  

Many of my memories of exact dates and events are a bit foggy.  Todd continued to attend college and would come home over summer vacations to work.  Because Todd was a legal adult, his grades would come to him rather than to his parents.  In respecting his privacy, we would inquire about school and about his grades but would accept his response of "everything's fine" and "I'm doing OK" without actually demanding to see his report card.  We were totally paying his way and by rights should have demanded evidence of his educational progress.  To this day, I can only say things might have been different had we taken a tough path with him.  Perhaps he felt we simply didn't care.  

During his final summer break from school, Todd met and fell in love with a girl who lived in a nearby community.  Again that summer, Todd was working long hours in construction but managed to find time for his "friend" in the evenings.  When Todd when back to school that fall, we actually saw more of him than we had in a long time because he was coming home almost every other week-end to spend time with his girlfriend.  At that time, it became painfully obvious to us that things were not right with Todd and his college career.  He had withdrawn from a couple of classes and had flimsy excuses for why things weren't going well for him.  He was living in an apartment off campus with his good friend, Cole, and playing in a band at local bars around the Mt. Pleasant area.  We figured he was having so much of a good time with his music that school was taking a complete backseat.  

In May of that same year, Todd's younger sister graduated from college after four years of hard work.  Todd was completing year number six and graduation appeared to still be off in the distance.  We then made the difficult decision to pull the plug on our funding for school.  As a result, Todd dropped out of college that May and never went back.  

Awhile after that, we learned from Todd's sister that he had been dropping and withdrawing from classes for quite some time.  Again, because he was a legal adult, the college would send refund money to him rather than to his parents.  Therefore, we had no knowledge of what he was doing.  Shame on us for being so blind!!

When Todd dropped out of school that May, he moved in with his girlfriend rather than moving back home.  At that time, Todd became very distant.  He didn't answer many of our phone calls and had excuse after excuse for missing family functions.  When he did agree to come over for Sunday family dinners, I could always tell he had been drinking when I would kiss him "hello".  He was warm and talkative, his behavior was normal, his speech was clear and his gate was steady so I found it easy to ignore the signs.  I was always so very happy to see him that I didn't question anything because I was afraid it would drive him further away.  For the most part, whenever he came over his girlfriend would be with him.  One Sunday, I was talking to his girlfriend and decided to put my nurse's hat on and talk to her about her smoking.  I was only trying to show my concern for her health but she didn't take it that way and informed me in no uncertain terms that she didn't intend to have that conversation with me.  From that day forward, we saw even less of Todd.  About this same time, one of my most proud moments was when Todd played a guitar solo at his cousin Jim's wedding.  I remember how nervous he was.  He was visibly shaking as he prepared for the solo.  Today, I ask myself, was it nerves or was it booze?  But, oh, what a wonderful job he did.  I only wish I had a recording!

Meanwhile, life was continuing on at a fast pace for the rest of the family.  My husband and I were busy and working long hours at our respective jobs.  Todd's sister was working in the area and had purchased a condo in a neighboring community.  Both sets of Todd's grandparents were becoming older and having health issues.   Over a period of the next six or seven years, we became heavily involved in their lives as their health continued to decline.  

Perhaps I'm making excuses for the fact that we let things slide with Todd.  We were wrapped up in our own worlds and considered him an adult and capable of taking care of himself.  

More to come....

Postnote:

For those who are following my blog, please feel free to pass this on to anyone who you think might be interested.  My hope is that my journey and Todd's life can be of some benefit to others, particularly someone who might be walking in our shoes (his and mine).